you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
