when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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