If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
