Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
