3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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