"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
