I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
