his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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