Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
