Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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