I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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