So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
