It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
