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Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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