how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
