And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
