i need an iv and a liver transplant
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Randomize
