There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
