I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Houston, we have a blender
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
