I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
