i love accidental penises.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
