I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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