haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
