At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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