don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
