she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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