I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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