I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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