So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
