What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
