Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I FOUND THE LEGS
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
