i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
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