Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
