I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
