I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
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