Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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