haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
