Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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