We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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