capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
