im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
