It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
