Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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