A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
