if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
