so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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