After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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