i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
you had me at cake vodka
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
