I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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