Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
