omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
