I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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