Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
being pregnant is like rehab
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
