Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
