Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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